Your purpose is greater than your pain

Years ago I was given a word of knowledge, I was told by a great, and anointed man of God, that God had allowed my heart to be pierced that I will know what to say to his people. I was also told by another great man of God, that I’ve been through a lot, and will go through a lot; it is in the making of me. When we plant a seed, that seed don’t automatically yield its flower. The seed goes through a process of being pressed by the soil. I was told that I had an unusual anointing. I’ve been pressed, are you willing to pay the price? In order for the oil to be produced from any fruit, plant or seed it must endure great pressure for its release. I knew I was chosen, and I was excited. Chosen to have church as usual? Preaching without evangelism , Mentoring without commitment, teaching purity, but in the closet? He was calling me to a greater cause that went beyond Christian formality. God wanted me to experience the pain of his people who I will have a sensitivity to their cry, and need. True prophets, and prophetess are intercessors, living an isolated life of humility, they are unpopular with people. They don’t put on a show. Yesterday I wept after someone reminded me of my past. I reached out to those that God has allowed to speak into my life and mentor me. I was told that God will use my season of brokenness for his glory. I was also told that my past is what qualifies me. I was so eager as a child to preach the gospel, but I hadn’t suffered. Had I ran before transformation, Adversities, trauma, abuse, misuse then my ministry wouldn’t have a cause, or movement. I wouldn’t know the God I serve as a healer, restorer, counselor, advocate, comforter, mother, father or of his sustaining grace. I would have been ministering out of head knowledge, but not heart knowledge. Isaiah 1: 18 ,19 Come now, and let us reason together, said the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool. If you be willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land:
Psalms 61 Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer.
2 From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
I not only can quote those scriptures , but I have a reference of how it was active, transforming and beneficial in my life. I have a revelation of God’s divine providence, and nature. A minister gave me a word of knowledge from God. I was told that I was highly favored among women. My name is Maria, but Mary in Hebrew. The woman who was, and still is shunned, talked about, referred to as a whore. I was told I was highly favored among woman?? That is how God sees me. He looks beyond my faults and the opinion of man. My name, circumstances, adversity, and life had been ordained to bring God glory. My life defies the teaching and religious ordinance of man. My sin and failure exalts a redeeming, gracious God. I know the woman who was at the well, we shared the same emptiness. I experienced the brokenness of Tamar ,put ashes on my head, put my hand on my head and cried. I was that ungodly woman with the alabaster bottle that anointed Yeshua , washed his feet with her tears, and dried them with her hair. I looked up while in the pit that Joseph was abandoned in. I understand Yeshua’s mother Mary’s pain, knowing she had to bury her son. The world’s savior, but yet her baby. I know the suffering of Job. I identify with the transformation of Paul from Saul. I was Hagar, in the desert that met the God who sees me. There is purpose in pain, and your purpose is greater than your pain. Amen.


When the soul cries

I fell asleep on the sofa, suddenly I stood in the presence of God. I couldn’t see him as one sees another in the flesh. I seen his outline as a transparent spirit. My first reaction was to approach him as if I had to give to receive. Quickly and sternly he said, “No!” I don’t want anything from you; I just want to love you. God took me in his arms holding me against his chest; fathering me. He seen the child hidden tucked silently in the appearance of a mature woman. Arms reaching out in desperation broken, suffering and longing to be loved. The tears of the soul crying out ,” If someone don’t love me I’m going to die.” A voice that was silenced by pain, abandonment and sexual abuse. He looked beyond my sin, and shame; He seen a torn soul. I awoke as I was being laid back on the sofa. I would hear him talking to me as I slept at night, whispering softly, “I love you.”

What is Your testimony?

Revelation states that we overcome by the blood of the lamb , and the word of our testimony. What is your testimony? I had such a traumatic childhood that I used unhealthy coping skills to try to survive. I became an adult trying to manipulate my way through life. I lacked the proper words to define my abuse. Had I been able to articulate and put in to words the brokenness of my soul the proper authority would have taken action to relieve me. I needed an advocate ,authority above my own power, and the power of my adversaries. My words, and testimony would have taken me out of bondage; not only by my words, but the authority that stood in agreement with me backing up my words as I spoke. I often have negative words flood my thought process. I grew up being abused physically, emotionally, sexually. Satan wanted me to believe that what happened to me was because I was worthless, but it was the abuse that gave me an illusion of low self-worth. I reinforced the illusion by becoming a person based on the testimony of my abusers. I often hear the words of the enemy spoken in my ear. I hear that I’m nothing, I’m unloved, and not capable of being loved. I was abandoned as a child, and I stated that I never belonged to anyone. I hear the words of failure crowding my mind. I didn’t progress as far as I should have in life, because of the lack of parental guidance, and structure. People that aren’t governed will govern themselves. I was abused, and sexually abused severely. I was groomed to have no boundaries, or set limits. I was un disciplined. I had my own set of rules, therefore I picked and chose what rules applied to me. I had my own written commandments. My body wasn’t respected or valued, through victimization I was taught to think and behave powerless. I wasn’t affirmed; I conformed to the lies of the enemy , and those that planted his seed. Yeshua was born, crucified, and he arose for a broken souls like me. Where I was voiceless he speaks for me. My testimony is no longer of defeat. Yeshua, my advocate has given me the same authority the same creative power to speak his word in to existence. His spoken word manifesting power, healing, and deliverance. He stands in authority backing me up as I walk in authority by speaking his word. We have a tool (Scriptures) to speak to every situation that was, is and will arise. The ability to use this tool isn’t based on feelings, circumstances but the power that works within us. The Paraclete, our advocate, comforter and one that walks beside us. The battle isn’t ours, but the Lords.
Philippians 4:13
13 I can do all things through Christ which strengthened me.
Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Isaiah 1:18
18 “Come now, and let us reason together,”
Says the Lord,
“Though your sins are like scarlet,
They shall be as white as snow;
Though they are red like crimson,
They shall be as wool.

Isaiah 61:3
3 To console those who mourn in Zion,
To give them beauty for ashes,
The oil of joy for mourning,
The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;
That they may be called trees of righteousness,
The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified

Psalm 139:1
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
Jeremiah 1:5
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I appointed you a prophet to the nations.”

Psalm 139:13-14
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.

1 John 1:9

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.
Romans 12:1-2

I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

2 Corinthians 4:16

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.

Psalm 119:11
I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you.

Acts 4:12
And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.”
1 Peter 2:24

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.

Romans 8:35,39

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, “For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Revelation 21:4
He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

Psalm 27:10
10 When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.

Revelation 12:11
11 And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.
This is my testimony!


My son Andrew was born on my birthday February 23, 1993, he was a gift from heaven, almost as if God was making up for every gift that I never had , every candle I never blew out, and every birthday wish I never heard. I grew up in and out of foster care, rarely was my special day remembered. I took him from the hospital without a name. I wanted to give him a special name that meant something. My daughter suggested we name him Hubba Bubba, after a popular gum. His cheeks were pink and rosy just like bubble gum. As he grew up, he would tell his friends the story of his first and real name. After searching I finally found the perfect name, Andrew James Ittayem. His name means strong and manly. His name fit who he was, strong , strong even in death.

The night Andrew died, I was at home in a deep sleep. I recall hearing and feeling a shot so powerful that caused me to sat up in bed. I was so exhausted that I started to lay down, but hesitated and prayed. I now know that was my creator telling me to pray. I didn’t know who I was praying for, so I prayed , God whoever just was shot, I speak life , but if you choose to take them, send a ministering angel to minister salvation. I laid back down to sleep heard crying from the soul or gasping for breath. I heard a yell out and experienced breath spontaneously come from my mouth. I felt a strong exit, as if someone went by. Not long after my experience I received a phone call that he was dead. Andrew was murderer at the age of 17. Andrew was being robbed, and was shot in the back trying to walk away. My son lived two minutes after the bullet ripped through his heart and lungs.

There is no pain like the death of a child. I feel like when he died, a part of me ceased to exist. I was robbed of his life, and the ability of watching him become a man. I will never experience him walking across the stage to earn his diploma, I will never experience his wedding, or the birth of his children. He was supposed to cry at my funeral and bury me. My memory he was to hold in his heart.

Shortly after coming home from service, I walked over to my daughter’s house. My daughter and I lived in the same apartment complex. I took the last living carnation from the vase that was taken from his funeral. I walked back to my apartment, sitting the rose on the table. I sat down at the table to call my then fiancée. I heard a swoosh sound coming from the right of me, I knew something was happening, but I couldn’t move and continued to stare forward. When I was able to look, I seen the last carnation pressed up against my glass table beside me, the stem was hanging as if someone was giving me a rose. Earlier at church I had been distraught, I requested that God send an angel to let me know that my child was okay. The carnation was white, so I looked up the meaning of a white carnation. The white carnation means love and a flower from heaven.
I may never truly understand why my gift was taken from me so soon, or the gift of life was taken from Andrew at 17, but I know that somehow this fits in God’s perfect plan for Andrew’s life and my own. Through his death I’ve become a more loving parent, and I don’t fail to tell my remaining children that they are wanted and loved. I was given a special gift on my birthday in his birth, and a gift during his death and many times after. I know death isn’t the end, life begins again in a different form and place. I realize love has no boundaries. God’s love for his creation consist of comforting for those that walk through and those that are left behind in the shadow of death. God, thank you for sharing and allowing your child to become my son for a short time. I want to thank you for allowing Andrew to say goodbye. Eternal father I now release my gift to you. Andrew, until we meet again.

The Purpose of Pain

If we didn’t know suffering, we wouldn’t’ know the depths of his consolation. Joseph had a dream, but he didn’t have a revelation of the plan, and purpose of God. He went from the pit to the palace, and from the palace to prison. Some of us are having what I call , the pit experience . In his captivity God still had favor on his life. He was taken from prison to the palace and given a higher status, and responsibility. To get oil from the olive; it is crushed. It is in the pit where we begin to draw near to God and seek his face. Pain will push you into your purpose. Out of pain pure praise is birth. I will bless the Lord at all times, his praise will continue to be in my mouth. Pure praise is unconditional. I’m going to praise you God because of who you are; in spite of my adversity. In pain we become tenacious and develop character. Psalms 119:71. David said It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes. Divine affliction will cause us to be transformed for his glory. Through suffering God’s divine nature is reveled. God will cause our heart to be pierced to know how to minister to his people. In the beginning Joseph had a dream; he thought it was about himself. After rejection, captivity, and suffering he realized his dream was bigger than himself. In the end he discovered It was to preserve life.
Genesis 45:7 And God sent me before you to preserve you a posterity in the earth, and to save your lives by a great deliverance. Your purpose is greater than your pain

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God’s soft side(woman)

Woman taken from the side of man, but strategically formed by God. Many see her beauty, but not the depths of her character or soul. Woman, created in God’s image , the soft side of the creator inherited. His attributes seen through the ability to mother and father. the creative side of God experienced when she gives birth. the sensitivity of God when tears flow from her heart. The covenant side of him, when she refuse to give up on her sons and daughters. The forgiving nature of God, even after she has been abused, and rejected; Her arms , heart will continually stay opened. The creator’s strength seen through her tenacity, and endurance. His undying love through her patience. Woman taken from the side, but formed by God, her value not regarded, her purpose overlooked.